Stressed

Darcy here with the grandkids, click on the photo and you'll get a good enlargement, same as with yesterday's installment of me and Darcy.

I'm stressed, I've held up well for the last 14 years but one reason was I always thought we'd get through every problem, now I don't think that, time is running out. When Darcy went into the hospital last Tuesday night I started to freak a bit, she was just going in for tests but it still got to me like it never did before, as if all the 14 years of stress that I'd been ignoring just fell right on top of me. We've always known it was a matter of time, that we were only fighting a delaying action, but delays were good. I didn't look beyond that because I didn't want to see the future. And let me tell you that living completely in the now sucks big time, don't listen to those fool Buddhists who would tell you otherwise.

I'm very depressed and having lots of trouble concentrating. I used to be able to write with no problem at all, and write well, but now it feels jumbled, as if I can't quite find the right words for a pithy one liner. At work I'm really running slow because of the lack of concentration, I used to be able to focus so completely I was incredibly fast and accurate in everything I did, Darcy used to call it art mode, and knew not to talk to me because it wouldn't get through. Now I'm distracted by everything, I'll go look at a web site at work and the next thing I know I've wasted 2 hours and no longer remember what I was working on. And fatigue is grabbing me harder than ever, but I'm having trouble sleeping.

And I don't see it getting any better in the near future. The only release will be when Darcy dies, and I don't see that as an improvement.