Out to Sea

Mom’s funeral was yesterday. I did the same thing I did with Darcy, we went and scattered her ashes at sea. Although it is still raining throughout SoCal, down in Costa Mesa at the coast it was barely raining at all, so it wasn’t a problem.

However, the sea’s were pretty rough so we had to make it quick and hold tight to the railing. Bennet and Summer were the only ones there. I told them they were the only family I had left and Summer hugged me and said I wasn’t going to get rid of her, ever. Bennet agreed, said he wouldn’t even be here today if it wasn’t for me so anything I needed they would do.

All very emotional, especially when you consider that I’m not really related to them, Bennet is Darcy’s son so he is my stepson, and Summer is my step Daughter-in-law. Making Ally my step-granddaughter.

But I’ve always felt that family is the people you choose more than the accidents you were born with. My mom was not the best mom in the world but she wasn’t the worst either. She is the one person who knew me for the entire 57.5 years of my life - or the last one left, anyway. My sister did and so did my dad. But my dad died when I was 13 and my sister around 6 years ago of cancer.

I’m still stuck in a deep depression, hope it lifts soon.

Mom

My mom died yesterday. Actually she died Nov 16 but they didn't bother to tell me until yesterday. She was in pretty bad shape at 93, dementia had taken her mind away, to the point where she couldn't even speak but could only make animal noises. It was hard to watch. I didn't visit her much because she hadn't recognized me for 4 years now. I would stop by occasionally to make sure the nursing home was taking good care of her.

The picture is Darcy and Mom from about 15 years ago, it's not very good but it's the only one I can find. Darcy is only 5' 4" tall so you can see how short Mom was. The most startling thing over the last 4 years was her face. When no one was home any more her face underwent a dramatic change, very shocking to look at.

At one time all the women in my life were threatening to die on me; our cat Nikko (she was our baby), my sister, Darcy and my mom. My sister died of cancer one day before her 60th birthday, Darcy died one week before her 61st birthday, but my mom outlasted all of them at 93. She was always pretty tough, but I think even she felt it was time to go because she was barely eating. Food used to be her favorite thing, as a tiny, old woman she could put away quantities that would put a truck driver to shame.

Mom

With Darcy being so sick for so long I'm afraid I've neglected my mother. She went into a nursing home a little over a year ago and Medicare and Medi-Cal take care of the bills, so my absence doesn't mean much.

I posted about the last visit, unfortunately nothing has improved. As I was walking to her room I was hearing someone who sounded a bit demented in the hallway when I suddenly realized the voice was familiar. Yep, it was my mom. Not only can she barely see or hear but she can't even talk very well now.

I brought along a notebook with a sharpie so I could write messages large enough for her to read, but it didn't work.

As soon as I got there she got very angry and violent, telling me to go away and even yelling help really loud. I wrote on the pad but she wouldn't look at it but just smacked it with her hand.

I tried to get in front of her so she could see me a little better and she tried to smack me with the Kleenex box she was holding. I got behind her and tried to talk directly into her ears but she couldn't hear and kept trying to reach back to hit me. Actually caught me in my right eye with a fingernail, hope it doesn't get bad, right now it just feels slightly off but doesn't really hurt.

After trying for about 15 minutes I just left, the whole time her hostility never abated - it's amazing how much energy she has for a very sick and old woman (turned 91 in January). I couldn't get through to her and was just agitating her so there seemed to be no point in staying.

She looks really awful. The whole shape of her face has changed, almost looking feral. I have no idea what is going on in her brain, I don't know if she knows where she is or even who she is. If she doesn't know me then it's really bad.

There is supposed to be a meeting of the staff some time this week to discuss her care so I will try to make that and see what they all say about her. At this point, though, it's as if she is already gone. I can't even tell her that Darcy is dead.

My Mom

Finally got over to the nursing home my mom had been sent to, just haven't had the time or energy to get over there. She just had a jaw infection but we can't get anyone to say why they sent her to the nursing home for physical therapy afterwards.

When I got there I leaned over to gently yell in her ear to say hello, her hearing has been going steadily for 40 years. When I'd last seen her she didn't even know who I was at first because she couldn't hear me and her macular degeneration had gotten so bad she couldn't see me, either. So I knew I had to yell in her ear, as soon as I did she started hitting me and yelling at me to get away.

“Who are you! What are you doing here! Get away from me, get away from me!”

The level of hostility was startling but I figured she was just scared and didn't know where she was or what was going on, when someone can't hear no one at the hospital bothers to try and make her understand they just keep doing things to her. So I tried her other ear in case she could hear better in that one, nothing, she kept yelling and hitting and pushing me. So I stepped back, with macular degeneration she can still see around the edges so I thought if I stepped back she could see me.

And she did, she stopped for a second and said: “Kevin?” Then started yelling again: “What are you doing here?” Over and over, like she thought she was some place I couldn't get to. Then she yelled: “I don't believe it, you aren't Kevin, go away, go away!” While continuing to push and hit me. So I went and talked to the nurse since I only seemed to be upsetting her, the nurse didn't have much to say except that she had been like that since she had come in.

It looks like her hearing is gone completely now, but worse, that her mind is gone too. It was only a few weeks earlier that I'd seen her last and she had trouble focusing and kept drifting off and repeating herself but was otherwise perfectly coherent for someone 91 years old. And I've never seen that much hostility from her before. She had been getting more hostile in the past few years because she was in such bad shape she couldn't do anything any more and was pissed as hell about it, but nothing like this.

From what I understand Alzheimer's shouldn't come on that quickly, but hostility is one of the signs of it. I've been prepared for her to die for a while, even wanted her to because she was so miserable, but I wasn't prepared for this. I immediately went home and had 2 beers to calm down, and I drink so little these days that 2 beers is two months worth. I wouldn't even have the beer if Rod hadn't come over 2 weeks ago and I had gotten beer for him. But for the rest of the day I've been shaky and very nauseous. Monday we'll have to try and get in touch with her doctor and find out what is going on and see what we need to do. Maybe I'll go back with a large note pad and marker to see if I write things - very large - if she will respond to them. Maybe if she just knows what is going on she'll calm down some.