Mom

With Darcy being so sick for so long I'm afraid I've neglected my mother. She went into a nursing home a little over a year ago and Medicare and Medi-Cal take care of the bills, so my absence doesn't mean much.

I posted about the last visit, unfortunately nothing has improved. As I was walking to her room I was hearing someone who sounded a bit demented in the hallway when I suddenly realized the voice was familiar. Yep, it was my mom. Not only can she barely see or hear but she can't even talk very well now.

I brought along a notebook with a sharpie so I could write messages large enough for her to read, but it didn't work.

As soon as I got there she got very angry and violent, telling me to go away and even yelling help really loud. I wrote on the pad but she wouldn't look at it but just smacked it with her hand.

I tried to get in front of her so she could see me a little better and she tried to smack me with the Kleenex box she was holding. I got behind her and tried to talk directly into her ears but she couldn't hear and kept trying to reach back to hit me. Actually caught me in my right eye with a fingernail, hope it doesn't get bad, right now it just feels slightly off but doesn't really hurt.

After trying for about 15 minutes I just left, the whole time her hostility never abated - it's amazing how much energy she has for a very sick and old woman (turned 91 in January). I couldn't get through to her and was just agitating her so there seemed to be no point in staying.

She looks really awful. The whole shape of her face has changed, almost looking feral. I have no idea what is going on in her brain, I don't know if she knows where she is or even who she is. If she doesn't know me then it's really bad.

There is supposed to be a meeting of the staff some time this week to discuss her care so I will try to make that and see what they all say about her. At this point, though, it's as if she is already gone. I can't even tell her that Darcy is dead.